A lot of people cannot handle the sight of blood. (If you are one of those people, then perhaps a profession in health care is not for you.) Most people now don’t have much issue with seeing blood. There’s a major desensitizing in our world today, and I think a lot of it has to do with the amount of blood seen on TV and in games. It’s overwhelming when you think about it. When was the last time you watched an adult show (not the XXX kind) that didn’t have blood in it? Some types of gore are not so gore anymore. For example, a film used to be rated R when there was blood and violence in it – not to mention nudity, no matter how brief, or “strong language”. By those standards, ABC Family would be R rated these days, and they wouldn’t be able to call themselves a “family network”. ABC not-suitable-for-children-or-people-with-IQ’s would be more on point (which, by the way, they recently changed their name to “Freeform”, which I find to be a more appropriate definition of their “product”).
With all the blood that surrounds our entertainment, you would think that seeing blood wouldn’t faze me anymore. And in a way it doesn’t, but this morning when I woke up to find blood staining my nighties, I freaked out a little (okay, a lot).
If you’ve been following my adventures, you’ll know that I recently found out I’m pregnant (woohoo!). And as you can deduce, bleeding during pregnancy is never a comforting sign.
(If you’re starting to feel like this post might be a little too much for you, by all means skip over this one and take a look at my other blurbs… This one is getting nitty-gritty in the details.)
This is my first pregnancy. It’s my first experience ever with motherhood – brief as it may be. I’m only 9 weeks along, and we haven’t told anyone yet. If you’ve ever been pregnant, then you know that miscarriage has a higher chance of occurring during the first trimester (12 weeks of pregnancy). After that, the chance significantly decreases. So naturally, when I saw the spotting this morning I quite thoroughly and completely fell to pieces. I called my midwife, Nancy, as I was still sitting on the commode – my phone was handy, and I didn’t trust my legs to support me should I lose what little resolve I had– so I was just sitting there, staring at the patch staining my nighties. Being a woman, it wasn’t the first time I had soiled my nighties. I must admit, I never kept close enough track of my cycles to plan ahead. As a result, I own ten pairs of nighties. I had to keep getting new ones! Anyway, I spoke with Nancy and she asked me some questions. I tried to be as thorough and direct as possible. I was pretty level-headed, but that means a whole lot of nothing when dealing with your baby. At the end of the interview Nancy told me to be cautiously optimistic and to rest. She didn’t seem too worried, which was comforting, but she’s an expert, and as even the most idiotic people know: don’t stress out a mama bear.
Since I have nothing to compare this pregnancy to, I’m going to do what Nancy suggested – be (cautiously) optimistic, and rest… I don’t have a strenuous job, so I decided to still go in to work. I’m sure it was the right call. At least I’m preoccupied and busy. I might go insane if I was sitting at home with nothing to keep me distracted from the thought that I might be having a mis – well. You know what might be happening.
I’m afraid, and I’m at the mercy of the Lord with this one. There’s nothing to prevent it at this point in the pregnancy… And I’m still not sure how I would take it if God takes this child. For the sake of transparency, I was pretty terrified when I found out I was pregnant. I cried and was worried for about two hours, and then I had two minor and one major freak outs over the next two days, and then after that, I was elated. I was overjoyed and excited and completely in love with this little puck inside me. And now, even the thought that this puck might never been in my arms, is just so dark a thought I can’t entertain it.
So here’s to be cautiously optimistic. Here’s to having hundreds of people praying for my “unspoken” right now – since I haven’t told everyone I’m pregnant yet, I’ve just asked everyone to pray for my urgent unspoken. I feel their prayers – I mean I really feel them. I felt the weight of my burdens being lifted as the prayers were sent up to Almighty God. I know that this child, no matter where they end up, will be well taken care of, protected, and fiercely loved, whether I hold the little puck in my own arms, or whether God does. I know things will turn out alright.
Boy, this post really turned into something different than you thought initially, eh? From bloody entertainment and violence, to the terrifying spotting during the first trimester. Sometimes I think my thoughts are like a plate of spaghetti – it all connects, but you can’t always see how you got from one side to the other (and occasionally there are a few meatballs!).
Today God gave me this verse during my Bible time, and it really stands true, no matter what happens here:
Psalms 97:11-12 “Light is sown for the righteous, and gladness for the upright in heart / Rejoice in the Lord, ye righteous; and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.”
Light is sown for the righteous – through Jesus Christ, I am made complete, and God will take care of us. God will send the Light.