When you trust God so completely to do things on your timing and at your request, you’re not trusting God. When you rely on God to answer your prayers exactly when you ask them and how you want them to be answered, you’re not relying on God to be God, you’re relying on God to be your servant, and – contrary to popular treatment – God is not your servant. (His son, Jesus, was a servant, but that’s entirely different).
So when my handsome husband J. and I stopped using birth control in April of 2015, we relied solely on God’s divine intervention to keep us from getting pregnant until we were good and ready. I actually recall praying something along the lines of, “Lord, thank you for my relationship with my husband. Thank you for protecting our marriage. Please, God, keep us from getting pregnant until we’re ready – or until You deem us ready”. And that was that. I honestly, to my very core, believed that we wouldn’t get pregnant until I lifted up the magic words and asked God to put a tiny human in my womb. Isn’t that something? Here I was, praying that God would give us a baby in HIS time, and in HIS way, but truly meaning MY time and MY way. When we pray something different than what we mean, or pray the wrong way for the wrong things, the outcome is not only unwanted, but unexpected. I prayed that God would give us a baby when He wanted us to have one, (meaning when I wanted one) but guess what happened? HE DID EXACTLY WHAT I ASKED. But what I was asking, and what I was intending, were far from the same thing.
I asked God to give us a bairn when He deemed us ready, and I trusted that my timing was the same as God’s timing, because why would God give us a child if we did not really want one at that moment? God gives us exactly what we need, when exactly we need it. I treated God like my fairygod mother. I was more or less sending up wishes and convincing myself that God would grant them as I saw fit. I knew in my heart that I wasn’t praying the right way, but instead of learning how to pray, I would ask Jesus to intercede on our behalf and give God our prayers in the right form. I prayed ignorantly and did nothing to fix it. Because of my foolishness, I was less-than-blessed when I found out that we were expecting our first tiny human. Had I prayed the right way all this time, prayed for God’s perfect timing, and His perfect Will, and that He would prepare our hearts and our minds for the growing of our family when He saw fit, I might have reacted better. I might have cried tears of joy, rather than being terrified out of my wits for the next two days.
I’m more than a little embarrassed at how I first reacted when I found out I was expecting… I took the test because I was a few days late, but I knew I wasn’t pregnant, because God “wouldn’t do that to me”. Yes, as I was waiting for the results I thought those words. I thought to myself, “God wouldn’t give us a baby if we didn’t want one right now. Yes we want children someday soon, but not right now. God wouldn’t do that to us”. … I’m ashamed that I turned this blessing, this miracle, into something that was “being done to us” and not being done for us. As a Christian, I was humiliated and confused by what I was feeling. I thought I was more than a bad person for not being excited about being pregnant. I felt like I was betraying my faith and my belief. I realize now that a lot of women – yes even Christians – react similarly when they find out a new life is being created inside them. That made me feel a little better, knowing I wasn’t the only one…
I found out I was expecting on the 4th of July, about an hour before J. and I were supposed to go to a big BBQ with members of our church. I kept the news to myself until we returned home that evening. Even as scared as I was, I knew I wanted the reveal to J. to be special. We got home and I ran inside and set up the little card I had over the two positive tests. He wasn’t really in the mood for jokes, so he came into the bedroom (we live in a camper, so the space is tight!) and he was getting ready for bed. I asked him to read my note and he looked at me half-heartedly. He read it though, and then looked at me dead in the eye, not quite daring to smile yet, and asked if I was really pregnant! His smile broke after that and he was so happy! That part really brought up my spirits!
I did have one big break down, the day after I found out; I fell into my husband’s arms and just cried and cried. I know he was concerned. He was overjoyed, and I was significantly under-joyed. I knew he felt like he couldn’t celebrate because I was mourning. After I my good, long, and hard cry, I realized (slowly, but surely) the magnitude of my situation. No baby is an accident, and J. and I were being blessed! We were going to be parents. We were going to be responsible for rearing a part of the next generation. We had so much more meaning in our lives then we did two days before. Gradually my excitement grew, and about a week later I found a Midwife I wanted to work with and gave her a call – she was SO reassuring, and it was at that point that the betrayal I felt melted away. I truly was so happy, and finally, after four days, was overjoyed.
So tomorrow* is my first apt. with the Midwife. I will be posting updates throughout the pregnancy, so, if you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to have a man, woman, dog, and tiny human (in the making) living inside a camper, well then look no further, because all you’ve ever wanted to know about tiny living will be recording in this blog.
Thanks for being a part of this journey with us. We really (truly) are very excited! In fact – we’re so happy about this pregnancy we’re praying it will be twins! Bizarre? Possibly. But I’ve got that prego-glow now, and it ain’t stoppin’ for nothin’!
*This post was written about a month ago, but since I had not announced to my family that I was pregnant I didn’t want to post it on here in case someone stumbled upon my blog. Now the beans are spilled and the cats out of the bag, I can catch you all up!